A mean life
For as long as I can remember I've been in fear and it only gets worse as time goes on. Fear of my parents dying, fear of being alone, and fear of being happy lest something bad happen as punishment for arrogantly believing I should be happy. All my live I've lived in dreams, my fantasies a way to escape my own mind. I learned from very young that with my fantasies my fears would leave if only for a while. I know I've been running away from myself but I can't stop. I'm afraid. If I don't have my fantasies I'd be lost, they are what help me through the day. If I stop dreaming I'm afraid I'd go mad. I've always told myself that it's ok to have fantasies so long as I realize they are just that: fantasies. I watch movies, I read books, I listen to music to escape and to enjoy myself. I've always try not to hope as I indulge myself because to me it's a fact that dreams don't come true.
Sadly, no matter how much I try not to I still hope. As much as I try to convince myself otherwise I still hope. Life isn't fair, so many beings suffer, so many wrongs that will never be right, why should I believe my insignificant hopes would come true in a world filled with so much pain? I still hope for so much, someone that will love me and care for me the way I'd care for them. My mind feels so weak, so many years running from myself.
I'm just tired and afraid. Why is it so hard to love and be loved? Why do people prefer to play games to get what they want? Is it really so satisfying in the end, a few moments of happiness rather than a lifetime with someone who would love and cherish you? What's the use of giving your heart if you can't or won't give it completely? What's the use of saying "I love you" if you don't mean it with all your soul, if you can't see yourself with that person forever, shield them from pain, cherish them and make them the happiest person on earth? What's the point of not wanting it all for you too? Why play games to get something you want knowing it shouldn't be yours? Sooner or later it will fall apart. Is your lust and selfishness worth their heartbreak? Selfishness: to think you want something so bad you don't want to consider the other person's feelings and the consequences.
That's not love, love is when you rather see them go than see them hurt when your so call love runs out. Lucky is the person who gets their heart broken early on, but imagine how it must feel after so many years, when everything you believed in comes crumbling down. Books may be books and dreams may be just dreams to most but not to me. I can see myself in them, I know how much I can love, how much I can feel, how much I can give and I think it's only fair to want the same from someone else. I can't see why people would settle for anything less.
If two people are willing to be true to themselves, to their hearts, no games, no lies it can happen. To feel so much love that you'd feel incomplete without them that are the way that love should be. Someone that would understand your pain, your fears and not grow impatience and distant but rather show you they'd do anything in their power to stop the pain. Someone who’d love you in every way as if they'd be empty without you. Is it so wrong to want this if you know you can give it as well? I do want to believe in the goodness of love and of people but I'm afraid that I can't. I don't know if I ever will, I'm just afraid, afraid of heartbreak, afraid of loneliness, afraid of pain, afraid to hope, afraid to love...
*fatigue*
Sadly, no matter how much I try not to I still hope. As much as I try to convince myself otherwise I still hope. Life isn't fair, so many beings suffer, so many wrongs that will never be right, why should I believe my insignificant hopes would come true in a world filled with so much pain? I still hope for so much, someone that will love me and care for me the way I'd care for them. My mind feels so weak, so many years running from myself.
I'm just tired and afraid. Why is it so hard to love and be loved? Why do people prefer to play games to get what they want? Is it really so satisfying in the end, a few moments of happiness rather than a lifetime with someone who would love and cherish you? What's the use of giving your heart if you can't or won't give it completely? What's the use of saying "I love you" if you don't mean it with all your soul, if you can't see yourself with that person forever, shield them from pain, cherish them and make them the happiest person on earth? What's the point of not wanting it all for you too? Why play games to get something you want knowing it shouldn't be yours? Sooner or later it will fall apart. Is your lust and selfishness worth their heartbreak? Selfishness: to think you want something so bad you don't want to consider the other person's feelings and the consequences.
That's not love, love is when you rather see them go than see them hurt when your so call love runs out. Lucky is the person who gets their heart broken early on, but imagine how it must feel after so many years, when everything you believed in comes crumbling down. Books may be books and dreams may be just dreams to most but not to me. I can see myself in them, I know how much I can love, how much I can feel, how much I can give and I think it's only fair to want the same from someone else. I can't see why people would settle for anything less.
If two people are willing to be true to themselves, to their hearts, no games, no lies it can happen. To feel so much love that you'd feel incomplete without them that are the way that love should be. Someone that would understand your pain, your fears and not grow impatience and distant but rather show you they'd do anything in their power to stop the pain. Someone who’d love you in every way as if they'd be empty without you. Is it so wrong to want this if you know you can give it as well? I do want to believe in the goodness of love and of people but I'm afraid that I can't. I don't know if I ever will, I'm just afraid, afraid of heartbreak, afraid of loneliness, afraid of pain, afraid to hope, afraid to love...
*fatigue*
posted by feer at
12:45 AM
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