A mean life

For as long as I can remember I've been in fear and it only gets worse as time goes on. Fear of my parents dying, fear of being alone, and fear of being happy lest something bad happen as punishment for arrogantly believing I should be happy. All my live I've lived in dreams, my fantasies a way to escape my own mind. I learned from very young that with my fantasies my fears would leave if only for a while. I know I've been running away from myself but I can't stop. I'm afraid. If I don't have my fantasies I'd be lost, they are what help me through the day. If I stop dreaming I'm afraid I'd go mad. I've always told myself that it's ok to have fantasies so long as I realize they are just that: fantasies. I watch movies, I read books, I listen to music to escape and to enjoy myself. I've always try not to hope as I indulge myself because to me it's a fact that dreams don't come true.

Sadly, no matter how much I try not to I still hope. As much as I try to convince myself otherwise I still hope. Life isn't fair, so many beings suffer, so many wrongs that will never be right, why should I believe my insignificant hopes would come true in a world filled with so much pain? I still hope for so much, someone that will love me and care for me the way I'd care for them. My mind feels so weak, so many years running from myself.

I'm just tired and afraid. Why is it so hard to love and be loved? Why do people prefer to play games to get what they want? Is it really so satisfying in the end, a few moments of happiness rather than a lifetime with someone who would love and cherish you? What's the use of giving your heart if you can't or won't give it completely? What's the use of saying "I love you" if you don't mean it with all your soul, if you can't see yourself with that person forever, shield them from pain, cherish them and make them the happiest person on earth? What's the point of not wanting it all for you too? Why play games to get something you want knowing it shouldn't be yours? Sooner or later it will fall apart. Is your lust and selfishness worth their heartbreak? Selfishness: to think you want something so bad you don't want to consider the other person's feelings and the consequences.

That's not love, love is when you rather see them go than see them hurt when your so call love runs out. Lucky is the person who gets their heart broken early on, but imagine how it must feel after so many years, when everything you believed in comes crumbling down. Books may be books and dreams may be just dreams to most but not to me. I can see myself in them, I know how much I can love, how much I can feel, how much I can give and I think it's only fair to want the same from someone else. I can't see why people would settle for anything less.

If two people are willing to be true to themselves, to their hearts, no games, no lies it can happen. To feel so much love that you'd feel incomplete without them that are the way that love should be. Someone that would understand your pain, your fears and not grow impatience and distant but rather show you they'd do anything in their power to stop the pain. Someone who’d love you in every way as if they'd be empty without you. Is it so wrong to want this if you know you can give it as well? I do want to believe in the goodness of love and of people but I'm afraid that I can't. I don't know if I ever will, I'm just afraid, afraid of heartbreak, afraid of loneliness, afraid of pain, afraid to hope, afraid to love...

*fatigue*

L * V E

Feeling anxious

Recently, I feel tat time fly very fast, it's already a week after my convocation and I still can't find a good jobs for myself. Today is the third week of August and we only have few weeks to meet Ramadan. Hopefully with a bit of luck I could be hired by this September. It's utterly different even though I'm working for my sister at her office. Yet, I still need to be exposing with the real and actual working environment as my prior workplace.

May Allah answer my pray.

What friendship means to me

Do you ever wonder what its like to have a best friend?

Some one who would give a heart to lend.

That is what friendship means to me.

A friend that does not turn away from me.

A friend that would not ditch me at all.

A friend to make sure I stand tall.

A friend that understands my pain.

A friend is what I need to gain.

A friend that is close to me.
F R I E N D S H I P, is something that I wish never flew away from me.

* I miss my old pals.

Rationales to smile...

I frequently use a phrase of "Smile opens up compassion, enlightens bond of faith". Unfortunately, I futile to apply it in my daily life and people around me always asked me to smile. Many of them said that I look arrogant while I'm in serious or normal look.

Urm... Its make me to think for awhile. I have to take consider other's opinion upon myself for my own good. Here, there are 10 reasons why I should smile... *grin*

1. I will looks better than a frown
2. It improves my day
3. It makes other people's day bright
4. I could make new friends
5. Shows friendship
6. Leaves favorable impressions
7. Enjoyable to give and receive
8. Makes me look happy, confident, and self-assured
9. Puts others at ease
10. A smile could be the start of a lifetime relationship

Isn't it?^^

Memoirs of...

I'll always look back as I walk away. I realize that memories will last for perpetuity and soon, all of my tears will be vanished in the rain.
I shall be thankful & gratified for be acquainted with u and tat chance doesn't come as easy as drop of rains.

happy birthday dear. *Hugs & Kisses*

Friendship Day

HAPPY FRIENDSHIP DAY!
"Friendship is the golden thread that ties all heart together."

Dear my best friends ever;
Aus, Farizza, Kak Lina, Fik, Aida, B and Faizah.

I wish I could make a vitamin, fill it with all the wonderful feelings you've given me and distribute them to people around me. Tru tat way, people could smile like I smile and think about life the way I do. I've never met somebody as sweet as you. Somebody who never makes me feel sad and u always there. Ready to catch me if I fall, somebody who makes me feel secure and safe, all the time. You're such a great best friend I couldn't ever ask for more and I'm so happy you are in my life-even though you're my best friend, I kind of wish I could share you with the world. Thanks for everything and may our friendship will last eternally. I dedicated this remarkable song for you.